Terry Marotta: Your guide to astrology - Abington Mariner

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Pity those of us with birthdays in the year’s first quadrant, for we get such crummy presents. (I get socks most years. Socks and underpants.)

But let us focus more on who we ARE rather than what we GET, using astrology to guide us. Herewith, excerpts of a 25-page download on the subject. Read it and weep, folks. The stars never lie:

The Aries person, or “Ram,” living under the Zodiac’s youngest sign, is frolicsome and energetic, bouncy and capricious. Makes a fine athlete and climber but is given to jumping from his car when stalled in traffic to dance Ferris-Bueller-style on the roof. (Also: beware of lending clothes to Aries people. They have trouble staying dressed and chances are you won’t see that nice red sweater of yours ever again.)

Taurus, or “Bull” people are stable and balanced, sometimes exasperatingly self-righteous. They have a love of comfort that can lead to overindulgence. Tending toward the heavy-set, they do best in jobs with little need for urgency and a pension at the end (and no, I didn’t make that part up.) Make excellent door-stops. 

Gemini, the “Twins” are dual-natured, self-centered and boastful, are prattlers and egotists. Can be intimate but just as often stand back in mockery of emotional closeness. (What the Ancient stargazers really meant here: Our in-laws are Geminis and we hate them.) 

Cancers, born under the sign of the “Crab,” suffer from 1,000 lame analogies to a simple crustacean: Appear thin-skinned but are soft underneath. Are uncompromising outside, but tender within. Go nicely with buttered breadcrumbs and a crisp white wine.

Leos, or “Lions,” the most dominant of the Zodiacal characters, are confident and arrogant, charming and sexual to the point of dissolution. Born leaders, but inclined to deceive. (Bill Clinton called! Said, “Gosh, young lady, your hair is just gorgeous!”)   

Which brings us to the “Virgin,” Virgos, born under the only female sign in the Zodiac. They are worriers and hypochondriacs, slow workers, subordinates rather than leaders, best suited to careers in mechanical drawing. (Translation: I’m a man and women terrify me.)

The Librans, or “Scales” people, have clear impartial vision and are good-looking, with elegance, charm and taste. Also are unfailingly kind and gentle. (Translation: I’m the guy writing this and I’m a Libra.)

Next, Scorpio people, or “Scorpions” are turbulent, seething with buried emotion, the soon-to-erupt volcano just under the calm sea-surface. (Translation: I’m going to sting you now. Inside your mouth while you’re asleep I think. Have a nice day and enjoy the swelling.)

Sagittarians, the “Archers,” are blunt straight-shooters, in love with their arrows. Given to forming uncongenial alliances, they avenge themselves on erring partners by becoming cynically promiscuous. (My own advice: Keep them tranquilized and in ankle bracelets.)

Capricorns, life’s “Goats,” are independent, steady and cautious, yet given to unexpected bouts of flippancy. They often dislike the opposite sex but most marry for life anyway. Make excellent school principals (and I didn’t make that up either.)

Aquarians, the “Water Carriers,” are philosophical and magnetic yet strangely cold. They are egotistical and detached and if deceived, show a terrible anger. Also, they are slow to forgive. (Another tip from Yours Truly: Tell the water carriers, “Sorry, but my calendar’s booked through the next millennium.”)

And finally, Pisceans, the “Fish,” who are generous, loving, intuitive, sympathetic to all who suffer, concerned more with others’ well-being than their own, SO WHY NOT APPRECIATE A PISCES TODAY? In fact, I am such a person! My birthday is Feb. 21! I’ll take a package of knee-highs and a pair of those cute girly boxers, thanks.

And you have a nice day, too.

Write Terry at terrymarotta@verizon.net or P.O. Box 270, Winchester, MA 01890. And to see the site here quoted, visit http://www.astrology-online.com/persn.htm.

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